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An Interview with TC Luoma (2001)

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Par Deus

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The following is an interview with TC Luoma. TC is the editor of TestosteroneMagazine, former editor of Muscle Media 2000, bodybuilding pioneer, and badass. 

 

THE LESBIAN PIMP
How are you doing today, TC?


 

TC LUOMA

Man, I accidentally used too much Androsol this morning -- it's got me almost homicidal. I had to stop by a biker bar and kick some ass o­n my way out here. 

 

THE LESBIAN PIMP
Really?


 

TC LUOMA

Oh yeah. This is powerful stuff. I can literally feel the increased protein synthesis - in fact, I've gained 29 grams of rock solid mass in the last 2 hours. 

 

THE LESBIAN PIMP
Very impressive. Actually, you've made a number of impressive claims as far as results from different supplements over the years - it seems as though you should be vying for the Mr. O by now, yet looking at you, I can't really tell you work out.


 

TC LUOMA

Yeah, a lot of people say that. But, I'm 173 lbs at less than 13% bodyfat, so I just don't get it. And frankly, it pisses a T-dude off. In fact, if this Androsol wasn't wearing off, you'd be dead right now... just for bringing it up. 

 

THE LESBIAN PIMP
I see. Why did Charles leave T-Mag?


 

TC LUOMA

I can't go into that too much, for legal reasons. 

 

THE LESBIAN PIMP
Most of us assume that all of the hype and bullshit left him with a Biotest stank that he could no longer wash off of himself each night, even with Lava. And that has pumice, so it must have been really bad.


 

TC LUOMA

No. That's not it at all. It didn't have anything to do with Biotest. He--


(TC stops)
 

Let's just say he saw something that made our business relationship uncomfortable. 

 

THE LESBIAN PIMP
Like pissing in the Methoxy-7 or what??


 

TC LUOMA

Like I said, I can't really say too much - so I'll just leave it at this: "Me, Tim, full body latex, and a tub of vanilla Grow." 

 

THE LESBIAN PIMP
Fascinating. What was your relationship with Bill Phillips like?


 

TC LUOMA
(Getting teary eyed) 
 

I loved that man. Bill Phillips was a great man in the early years - when he still cared about the sport. But, then came the fame, then the drugs and the fitness bimbos... And after he started those physique transformation contests... he just turned into a completely different person. 
 

(TC breaks out crying) 


 

THE LESBIAN PIMP
There. There. It's gonna be okay.


 

TC LUOMA

He made me eat out of a dog bowl. 

 

THE LESBIAN PIMP
I see... Wait, he what?... Nevermind.

 

(TC calms down a bit) 

 

So what does the "T" in "TC Luoma" stand for, TC? I assume it must be something pretty bad if it made you go through life just using your initials - 'cause "TC" really sounds pretty stupid itself. I bet it's a hermaphroditic name- that would explain a lot of the machismo - you know, like a coping mechanism for sharing your name with a girl. Is it Terry?... Tracey?

 

(He bursts out crying again) 

 

TC LUOMA

Bill used to call me that... Are you clean, Tracey? Are you wearing my favorite dress??... Who's ass is this, Tracey?!
 

(he continues crying)
 

It's your ass Bill -- It's your ass! 
 

(He's hysterical)
 

Okay, I'll call you daddy -- please, just don't hit me again!

 

THE LESBIAN PIMP
Okay. I think that will just about do it. Thank you for coming by today, TC. We look forward to talking with you again soon.



Obviously, this has been a fictional skit -- it is parody, co-written by The Lesbian Pimp and Par Deus, and is not intended to be taken at all seriously, nor is it intended to imply anything about the sexual inclinations of the real TC Luoma, Tim Patterson, or Bill Phillips.

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