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    1973

The Carb Up (2001)

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Par Deus

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In the last episode of The CKD Files, Derf and Dan Jr. had just returned home from the gym following their two hour glycogen depletion workout and had subsequently commenced preparations for the ensuing carb-up. 

Setting: Daytime in a living room

DERF: Typical musclehead, 240+ lbs, sub 6% bodyfat, head shaved to hide the consequences of years of 5-alpha reductase activity, rummages through a tackle box full of pills, vials, and syringes.

DAN JR: who couldn't grow on a gram of tren a day, sits, rolling a joint.
 
 
DERF
Dude, I'm low on gear.

 
 DAN JR. 
Yeah, me too. We should go back by the gym and see BigWill after we smoke this.
 
He takes a puff and hands it to Derf, who does the same.

 
DERF 
I'm gonna need to eat first.

 
DAN JR.
(annoyed) 
Did you take your shot already??
 
He nods, a bit woozy. Dan just shakes his head, grabsa syringe, and stands up. 
 
Derf passes out. 
 
Dan heads to the kitchen and returns with a bottle of glucose. He draws some into the syringe and injects it into one of the giant veins on Derf's arm.
 
He comes to.

 
DERF 
Thanks, dude. Let's hit McDonald's.

 
DAN JR.
(shakes his head)
That's far too high in fat. Glycogen storage and amino acid uptake are optimal right now -- We need high Glycemic Index carbohydrates. A post workout drink of dextrose and whey is ideal.

 
DERF 
Bullshit. I haven't had anything except whey and flaxfor the last two weeks. I want some food.

 
DAN JR. 
Fine. But, we're not eating McDonald's -- we'll go toan all you can eat place.
 
Dan takes out a syringe and injects himself in thethigh. 

 
DERF 
Nubain?

 
DAN JR. 
Insulin.
 
Derf nods. Dan pulls out another.


DERF 
Nubain?


DAN JR. 
GH.
 
He injects it and pulls out another.


DERF 
Nubain?


DAN JR. 
Yep.
 
 
Setting: Daytime at all All-You-Can-Eat Restaurant

They walk into the restaurant, anxious to begin refilling of glycogen stores and raising leptin levels. There are a couple of people in line in front of them, so they step back. 

They stand there for a moment, already impatient, when an OBESE WOMAN waddles up and cuts in front of them in line. 

They give each other a "What the fuck?!" look, then stare at her back, in a rage fueled by low blood sugar, serotonin depletion, and supraphysiological androgen levels.


DAN JR.
Did that chubby bitch just cut in front of us? 


DERF 
Yeah. 


DAN JR. 
Does she think we're just standing here to greet people as they walk in the door?
 
Derf shrugs.


DAN JR. 
She doesn't need to be getting seconds anyway. 


DERF
Nope. 


DAN JR. 
How much do you think she weighs?


DERF 
Three hundred? 


DAN JR.
I'm thinking maybe as much as four bills. But it's pretty hard to tell when they get that big... I'd say she's definitely pushing at least three and somechange... You'd think they'd have some kind of width limit to eat at all-you-can-eatrestaurants. You know? 


DERF
(laughs) 
Like the height requirements for rollercoasters? 


DAN JR.
Yeah. They should have a sign when you first walk in the door with a guy holding his arms out that says: 
 
Dan holds his arms out really wide. 


DAN JR. 
"You must not be this wide to eat at this restaurant." -- 'Cause if you are, you damn sure don't need to be eating at an all-you-can-eat restaurant.
 

DERF 
She needs some EC.


DAN JR. 
Fuck EC, she needs DNP and some meth. 


DERF 
Maybe she just has low leptin levels. 


DAN JR. 
Yeah, and maybe she swallowed a guy who swallowed a fly, but I fucking seriously doubt it. It takes a concerted effort to get that fat. You don't go to sleep one night looking like a normal human being and wake up the next day with 54% bodyfat. That doesn't happen. It takes years of determination and willpower. To look like that, there can be no skipping meals, no going to bed hungry, no exercise. Shit, just walking from the couch to the kitchen must burn more than a hundred calories when you weigh that much... I bet she keeps a crate of Krispy Kremes, in her fucking living room, so she can grab a box whenever the urge should strike... Low leptin levels my ass. I guarantee you that bitch gets three tiers of food on her tray. 


DERF
(smiles) 
She's just got more to love, that's all.
 
Derf walks up closer to her back. He pretends to spank her.


DERF 
Big is beautiful. Ain't it baby. 


DAN JR.
(shaking his head) 
Fat is not beautiful unless you're a sick, deviant motherfucker with a fetish for that shit. It just isn't aesthetically pleasing.
 
The Obese Woman continues piling food on her tray.


DAN JR.
I mean, granted, culture and normal personal preferences play a role incertain aspects of what is considered beautiful at different times. For example: Hairstyles and fashion change -- certain trends are hip for a while, but fiveyears later are atrocious -- the 1980's come to mind.

But some things are universally beautiful. And certain things are universally not beautiful in any way, shape, or form. 


DERF 
Like what? 


DAN JR. 
Things like Nicole Bass, and pimples, and warts, and melted flesh from third degree burns... And well-fed bitches like her.


DERF 
You make a good argument.


DAN JR. 
Don't kid yourself, Derf. I'm not finished. I haven't yet begun to ridicule.


DERF 
Oh. 


DAN JR. 
You know it's gotta be unsanitary. I mean, can you imagine what kind ofbacteria and yeast and STD's and shit are spawning and fermenting betweeneach and every fucking chub roll on that immense body? 


DERF 
It's a sick thought. 


DAN JR. 
Of course, it is. And the other day I heard on Oprah something about "foodaholism". Like it's a fucking disease, like cancer. Like they can't help. Like it's not their fault. 


DERF 
I did read on MFW about a study linking obesity to a virus. 


DAN JR. 
Well, then the CDC needs to come out here and quarantine this bitch. 


DERF 
(laughing) 
If it was a virus, what do you think they'd call it. 


DAN JR. 
There's already a name for what she has. It's called "gluttony". 
 
The Obese Woman turns around with two trays full of food, each with plates piled one on top of the other like a pyramid.


 DAN JR .
(as she walks by) 
How now, brown cow. 
 
She doesn't respond. Derf laughs, and they finally approach the windowto order their long-awaited food.

The End.
 
 
The following was a fictional skit. Any resemblance to actual people, be they from your local gym or alt.support.fat-acceptance, is purely coincidental.

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